Fuckbeak and Friends/ Chapter 2: Cock-a-doodle-doo, my dick goes where you poo
"Cock-a-doodle-doo, my dick goes where you poo" is the second and longest chapter in the Dirty Potter audiobook series "Fuckbeak and Friends". It is considered to be the best chapter in the series from the results of a poll on the Dirty Potter Wikia homepage. Summery of "plot" Hagrid joins the orgies of Harry, Ron and Hermione. Hagrid defecates a huge pile of shit where the group have huge fun in it. Ron is killed by small animals. At one point the audio becomes corrupted where Evil Jim takes over temporarily. After a rap song, all the characters decided to start a Ku Klux Klan rally. All while Fuckbeak watches. Transcript Jim Dale - Warning: This audiobook series contains a humongous pile of blah-blah-blah, whatever it was, fuck off. Dirty Potter presents "Fuckbeak and Friends". Chapter 2: Cock-a-doodle-doo, my dick goes where you POO! Hagrid - "Isn't it beautiful? 'E's my special favourite penis" Jim Dale - said Hagrid, softly. Hagrid - "Yeah, 16-foot boner, bloody marvellous! Want a closer look?" Jim Dale - Hagrid's gigantic dong was rising from his trousers which were slipping down his fat bottom. Hermione - "Harry, why are you staring at the head?" Jim Dale - said Hermione, as he placed an enormous hand on it. Rubbing it, he said, Hagrid - "Yeah, yeah, it was me what killed all them people. Well, anyway, erm...what was I saying? I sometimes say "fuck", but some don't understand tha'. Look, you know what I'd love, Harry? I'd love your sensitive, tight, honky arsehole, please. I really would." Jim Dale - Hagrid's schlong was gently dripping. He looked utterly horny. Harry - "OK, Hagrid" Jim Dale - said Harry, who liked it in the butt. Hagrid - "Now, put your ass up," Jim Dale - said Hagrid, Hagrid - "come on now, quick." Harry - "'Course" Jim Dale - said Harry, at once, and began bending over the cabinet beside the door. Hagrid - "Tha's my boy, I always knew you'd squeeze me in. (Fucking and gasping noises)," Jim Dale - puffed Hagrid, pounding along at Harry's manly man-hole, making the floorboards quake. Hagrid - "(More fucking and gasping noises)" Harry - "Hagriiiid, good." Hagrid - "(Even more fucking and gasping noises) Yeah, ooh, ooh, yeah, (much more fucking and gasping noises)." Jim Dale - Then, Hagrid seized Ron's cock and shoved it in too. Harry - "Ow, (gasp) ow, (gasp) you fucking barrel of faggots" Jim Dale - said Harry, taking in every glorious inch. Hagrid - "And now, look at ya, Harry," Jim Dale - said Hagrid, Hagrid - "school champion". Jim Dale - Harry must've had more, nice, juicy Hogwarts cock than the rest of the boys in his class put together. I don't know how there was room for them, but you can squeeze very tight in Wizard Land. "(Grunting and gasping noises" Jim Dale - said Hagrid, ploughing on, valiantly. Hagrid - "(Much more fucking and gasping noises)" Harry - "ouch, ouch, ooch, ooh, oh God, my hole is bleeding profusely," Jim Dale - said Harry, Harry - "too enormous, (faster fucking and grunting noises)" Hagrid - "A'right, I'm cummin', wheeeee, (cumming and spurting noises). Hey, did someone just score?" Jim Dale - said Hagrid Hagrid - "Oh yeah, it was me. I have put a little milk into your butt." Jim Dale - Hagrid came too quickly for Harry's liking. Afterwards, Hagrid spent the morning completely emptying his leaky shit-hole. Hagrid felt a pooping sensation in his stomach. He was going to crap and there was nothing he could do about it. He bent down and took an enormous shitty-poop-shit in the middle of the room, without bothering to get undressed. And I'd like to appeal to all our listeners to emulate the following shit. Hagrid - "(Grunting and groaning noises) A big one (more grunting and groaning noises)." Jim Dale - Hagrid's treacle fudge had cemented his jaws together. Hagrid - "(Even more grunting and groaning noises)" Jim Dale - Hagrid deposited his anus baby with a deep, grunting breathing. Hagrid - "(Deep, grunting breathing noises) Filthy, stinkin' turds" said Hagrid. "(Growing and grunting noises) Butt music (even more growling and grunting noises)" Jim Dale - said Hagrid's butt and sure enough, moments later, Hagrid's back door opened and then, a horrible half-sucking, half-fucking sound came out of the fat shit-hole, along with an unpleasant smell like open drains. And Harry saw that they were facing a large, mound of shit nearly as tall as Hagrid. It was not a mound at all, it was clearly...a gigantic arse-tastrophe! Hagrid - "We're goin' in 'ere," Jim Dale - he said, Hagrid - "come on now, quick." Jim Dale - Hagrid climbed up onto the side of the shit, stretched out his arms and dived right into Mt. Hagrid. Instantly, he was lost in the warmth and the smells and the floating. Harry - "He's mad" Jim Dale - said Harry. Harry had never been in Hagrid's butt-poop before, it was a place most students avoided. Hermione - "I suppose it feels quite warm to him" Jim Dale - said Hermione. Ron - "Yeah, but there's still the giant corn bits" Jim Dale - said Ron. There was something else there too, something made of failure. What was it? Oh yes, I forgot, of course! Fuckbeak was there too and he stood watching them outside the window, beaming and fapping until the last echoing strains of Harry demolishing his innocence drifted away. Ron - "You're not going to eat that shit, are you Hagrid?" Jim Dale - said Ron, leaning in for a closer look, Ron - "It looks poisonous." Hagrid - "Wha'?" Jim Dale - said Hagrid, heaving a deep sigh as he picked up a handful of rotten diarrhoea and slapped it over his face. Greenish fecal refreshment trickled down into his beard as he gave a soft moan of satisfaction and licked it, with his tongue poking out. Hagrid - "Mmm, that's delicious!" Jim Dale - said Hagrid. Fuckbeak was too disgusted to speak and also very aroused. And so, Fuckbeak left to find somewhere close by to throw up and jerk off and take a fat shit and fart. So, with his dick in his hand, eagerly, Fuckbeak puked on it as he jerked off. He used his vomit to make it slippery to help him with his beating off. Hagrid - "Harry, Hermione, you'll enjoy this," Jim Dale - said Hagrid, Hagrid - "'''trust me!" '''Jim Dale - Professors Dumbledore, McGonagall, Snape, Sprout and Flitwick were there too, rolling around in the fudge, savagely, Everyone was in their pyjamas, and the celebration lasted all night. Harry could tell it would soon become the stuff of Hogwarts legend. Hagrid - "Anyway, I'M CUMMING, HARRY, I'M CUMMING!!! Nope! Me stupid." Jim Dale - "What the fuck?" said Jim Dale, "Retarded!" Harry - "Go on" Jim Dale - said Harry, urgently. Hagrid - "Alright, Harry. The thing is...well, see," Jim Dale - he took a great breath, Hagrid - "well, I didn't want to cum so easy. I've been jerking for me 'ealth. But...but I'll need you to help me, and Ron, if he's willin'. I know you've got exams, if you could just nip down 'ere in your invisibility cloak, I'll be beatin' me sack any day now." Harry - "Really romantic date, Hagrid(!)" Jim Dale - said Harry, sarcastically. Hagrid - "Fuck you, Harry, you stupid penis-head," Jim Dale - said Hagrid, Hagrid - "don't you love poking Dumbledore's fudge? That's brave of ya" Jim Dale - said Hagrid. Hagrid reached into his pocket and pulled out his PEnis. Ron looked around and saw Hagrid lying on his back, beating off. Hermione - "Ohhh, Hagrid, don't! It's not hygen-" Jim Dale - Hermione began, but Hagrid had already slapped the meat. Hagrid - "Oh, oh yeah," Jim Dale - said Hagrid, raising a massive hand and feeling his junk, Hagrid - "oh yeah, beat'n the meat, (gasping noises), oh, beat'n the meat to a pulp!" Jim Dale - said Hagrid, twisting his enormous hands. Hagrid - "Yeah, (wanking noises) yeah, yeah, (more wanking noises)." Jim Dale - Hagrid began jerking at Hermione's face. Hagrid - "(Even more wanking noises) Yeah, cum right in the eyes, (grunting and much more wanking noises) masturbate it, (more grunting and much, much more wanking noises) pee-pee bad boy, (even more grunting and a load of wanking noises) gonna cum, mmm, tasty." Jim Dale - And Hagrid burst everywhere. Hagrid - "(Climactic wanking noises) Skeet, skeet, skeet, (poik) cum, cum, hello! (Furious cumming noises) Gloop, gloop, gloopity poop, (More furious cumming noises) Harry, (poik) look down, you big buffoon, (poikpoikpoik) see? I've got cum for ya, (poikpoikpoik) isn't that nice, eh?" Jim Dale - Hagrid shouted, Harry - "Give it to me, I'm starving" Jim Dale - said Harry. Hagrid - "Oh yeah, (poikpoikpoik) I cum, (groaning and furious cumming noises) what do ya say to that, eh?" Jim Dale - Harry began to cough, and then spew semen, and then finally, speak. Harry - "The floor is a cock" Jim Dale - he said, as he broke off a large bit and put it into his mouth. Harry - "I must be getting somewhere near the centre of the earth" Jim Dale - he said. Ron - "Nice one, Harry" Jim Dale - said Ron, enthusiastically, and he began raping the ceiling as hard as he could for maybe half an hour. A glorious half-hour. Ron - "I should reward myself with a chocolate biscuit" Jim Dale - said Ron. Harry, who has expected something much more exciting put on a medieval suit of armour and he put his penis into a Dumbledore sex doll with a hole in it, thrusting slowly into his tangled beard. Harry - "I...want you, ooohhhhh" Jim Dale - said Harry, fucking as slowly and distinctly as possible. Hagrid - "(Inaudible grunting) and stuff" Jim Dale - said Hagrid. Harry squeezed himself through his arse, shoving a hamster backwards into his own, stinky butthole. For a moment, Harry thought his arse was going to explode with pleasure, and then, all sorts of small animals shot suddenly out of it with an angry screech at Ron. Harry - "Die, Ron, die!!" Jim Dale - said Harry, all the animals clawing at his face, his screams mingling with the furious roar of the hamster. Ron - "Aaaaagggh, I'm dying!!" Jim Dale - said Ron, Ron - "I'm dying from your evil butt-hamster, Harry. Look at me, it's killed me!!" Harry - "Skeetify," Jim Dale - said Harry, Harry - "Buttsextumsempra, Dickengorgio, Erection Leviosa and Semenexpelliarmus!" Jim Dale - after which, he blew his load all over the room and everybody else in the universe. Harry - "(Cumming noises, slowly becoming distorted)" Jim Dale - (Malfunctioning noises) Jim Dale malfunctioning, (more malfunctioning noises) still malfunctioning, (more malfunctioning noises) stop the tape, (even more malfunctioning noises) Evil Jim Dale - I'm sorry, Jim, I'm afraid I can't do that, (distorted skeeting noises) "Every Book on Earth, Ever", read for you by Jim Dale, (distortion noises). Hermione - "Look, I'm sorry," Jim Dale - cried Hermione, Hermione - "but neither of you are making sense. This is stupid." Jim Dale - But Hermione's words were drowned by a sudden outbreak of rapping. "Yeeeaah, boy! This is Jim Dale Penis, Penis, DICK!, Penis, Blinger bling bling Penis, Penis, DICK! Penis, motherfucker Three more times Penis, penis, cock, penis Gigantic black one Tick tock, time for cock! Beats, beats in the club Yeah, nigger, millions of dollars Rapping nigger, driving a Ferrari Yeah nigger, encrusted with diamonds Yeeeaah that's right Bad words Smoke smoke, smoking a joint Get crunk Yeeaah! Bitches you have something that I want! A Gigantic black behind (yeah) Gigantic black behind (oh yeah) Big puffed up nig-ger lips And a gigantic black behind (fuck yeah) Aww yeah shit son!" said Jim Dale, "I'd like to polish that...thick...black booty." All of a sudden, KKK. Harry put on his white robe and Grand High Wizard hat and Ron heiled Hitler, the Führer, and the most evil wizard of all time with his foot. Then Harry and Ron erected a giant cross and set it on fire. The fiery cross burned, showing the niggers that they were going away on a ship. Hagrid - "Niggers should be put down," Jim Dale - said Hagrid, Hagrid - "and Jews too. They're just nutters, Hermione, chuck 'em straight in the fire." Hermione - "How could you say something like that!!" Jim Dale - said Hermione, looking outraged, Hermione - "I want niggers to fuck off back to Africa instead. White power!!" Jim Dale - Ron got so excited that he began to beat his nigger uncontrollably and had to stuff his fist in his mouth to stifle the noise. "Wow, wonderful," said Jim Dale, "erm, I love all the racism. This is funny because, err, 'nigger' is a very offensive term to minorities (chuckles)." Hagrid - "Right, well, I, errm, well, FORE!!!" Jim Dale - said Hagrid, swinging his cock so forcefully that Harry was knocked sideways into a tree. Hagrid - "You okay, Harry?" Harry - "I'm in despair, Hagrid's cock has left me in despair" Jim Dale - said Harry. His jimmies had been rustled so badly. Hagrid - "Yeah, that's right" Jim Dale - Jim Dale adjusted his dick in his trousers before continuing reading this terrible fan-fiction. "The stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life! No, I wouldn't listen to these, err, audiobooks of mine because they are not funny. Not funny at all." Harry - "They suck all the penis" Jim Dale - said Harry...(yeah). I want to take this opportunity of thanking the thousands of pathetic failures, even worse than I am, for listening all these years. Aww, thank you so much. And now, it's time for making more Dirty Potter audiobooks. I'm so thrilled about that, ooh, absolutely wonderful, fucking fantastic(!)...ahem, errm, uh... Hagrid - "Beautiful" Jim Dale - Hagrid murmured. He leapt to his feet and ran to the window. Harry - "What's the matter?" Hagrid - "Someone was looking the gap in the curtains, he's running back up to the school!" Jim Dale - Harry bolted to the door and looked out. Even at a distance, there was no mistaking him: Fuckbeak had seen the orgy. The chapter ended here...fuck off...neither this audiobook or any portion of it may be injected as heroin or rolled up and smoked in a big...fat...blunt...without prior written authorisation from Faggot Bitch Nigger Shinji Ikari. List of Deaths *Unknown - Hagrid had murdered a group of individuals before the events of this audiobook *Ron - Animals rip him apart For those too lazy to read Category:Fuckbeak and Friends Category:Audiobooks Category:Audiobooks where characters die